The Dog Poo Fairy: or an evaluation of contemporary attitudes in Western society

From our hedgerows, bushes, and trees, 

Hang offerings to our Fairy Queen, 

Gifts bold in colour, rich in odour, 

And wrapped in clear and everlasting plastic. 

But unlike the presents of the near and distant past, 

These come fresh from a dog’s industrious arse. 

For wayward dog-owners wisely know, 

Fairies are tired of the pretty ribbons and bows, 

Fastened by their followers to trees of sacred note, 

And that Nature’s Spirits now spurn the delicate little bells, 

Left as gifts at Holy Wells, 

By those hoping to heal their aching bones. 

Bored too, with the milk-teeth offerings, 

Of gap-toothed children in their gentle slumber, 

Fairies now demand something more malign, 

Far worse than dental pain, 

The stuff that could make those children blind, 

Through close encounters of the turd kind!

Do you remember your last near miss, 

In some field, or in a street? 

Perhaps you dodged an insect infested canine log. 

If so, what you thought were flies, 

Delinquent dog-owners would surmise, 

Were actually Fairies in disguise. 

And beware! Don’t refuse a Fairy’s special request. 

You’ll be taken to a dark, evil, and dangerous place. 

That’s why errant dog-owners throw a fit, 

When you steadfastly refuse to admit, 

That our parks, paths, playing-fields, pavements, drives, gardens, commons, and our city streets, 

Are just places for their dogs to shit. 

So try not to swear and curse, 

When you do step on doggy dirt. 

Your rude and disrespectful tone, 

Won’t go down well in the Fairy Realm. 

And why the fuss? Lazy dog-owners will obey the law, 

If they really, really, really, really, really, really must. 

They’ll scoop up and package the splendid coils, 

Dumped by their dogs in public spaces, 

But with due regard to Elven needs, 

And peace between People, Fairies, Flowers, and Trees, 

From tender branches these gifts must sway, 

Until the Dog Poo Fairy comes their way.