The Last Dance, or a punch up at a wedding - EXTENDED VERSION
Ladies and Gentlemen,
At this joyful wedding celebration,
It now falls on me,
As your Master of Ceremonies,
To welcome you to the Last Dance.
As some of you may be aware,
This isn’t a bookend for the First,
That ritual set-in stone,
And homage to love and hope,
Performed by newly wedded husband and wife.
The Last Dance depends on us,
And is an altogether different beast,
Rather better known,
As a punch up at a wedding.
For the Bride and Groom have put on a lovely spread.
You’ve been wined, dined, and entertained.
Now you can show them where their efforts have led,
By sending them on their way,
Not happy as if to their Honeymoon,
But sad, dazed, and dismayed,
As if from a Wake.
To join this dance you must be called.
So let us make a start.
Ladies,
All those who want to give fellow guests a slap because they’ve been ‘doing your head in’ all night,
Please make your way to the floor.
Gentlemen,
Anyone who wants to belt other guests because they’ve been ‘giving it all this, and giving it all that’,
Please come on down too.
Ladies,
Those snogging their lovers in the toilets and about to be caught by their spouses and children,
Please join in.
Gentlemen,
All of you making boozy lunges at the wives and daughters of other guests,
Please enter the throng.
Ladies,
Any of you with faces like thunder,
Who’ve been sitting in the same chair all day,
Refusing to eat and drink,
Because you never wanted to be here,
Please join the dance.
Gentlemen,
All of you who are sad and embittered,
Drunk and sunk in the depths of self-pity,
And about to take it out on your wives,
Please join in too.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
All those parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles of the newly wedded couple,
Who still want to treat them as children,
And during the reception,
Will pull the plug,
Stop the tap,
And shut down all the lights,
Please take the stage.
Let the dance begin!
(Image taken from the Gordon Sisters Boxing, 1901)